What am I supposed to do with my life?

I am not really sure how to start this article. A part of me wants to close the computer and keep these thoughts to myself until I have figured out the whole picture, and another part needs this practice to release what needs to be released in the universe.

I am not someone who likes to share the lows and question marks when I’m right in the middle of them. It takes me time to digest and understand what the hell is going on and, mostly, what this situation is teaching me. So be gentle with my vulnerability. I might not find the right words, but they're the only ones I have right now.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life?

I feel like it’s a question I've asked myself my whole life. But more than ever, the past year feels like this question got spiced up and amped up with some strong electricity, so that almost every day I can’t avoid thinking about it.

 I entered this phase in my life when I felt that I'd finally landed in a pretty sweet spot. Personally and professionally, things were rolling, and it felt good. Oh. So. Good. It wasn’t such a long time ago, actually, but it took me almost a decade to reach that point where I felt that I had arrived where I was supposed to be.

I created a space where working felt like playing, a place where like-minded people would connect and where I could, in my own way, express my creativity.

Finally finding something that lit me up felt like the consecration after more than a decade of struggling and being in the question mark zone.

While being in that splendid space of expansion, I obviously encountered question marks and went through some big shifts, but it always felt like I got this. I knew myself to a point where I could see the red flags; I knew how to handle a storm; and I had a bunch of tools to help me regulate the tornadoes of life.

I got this.

And things change.

Life is cyclical.

Life moves faster than you think, and you find yourself in a space of question marks again.

In the past year (and a half?) I started this descent.

Descent, as in, going back to the base and the root of who I am

Descent, as in, grounding

We are so obsessed with ascending that we forget that descending is as important (or maybe even more?). We feel so prepared to be jet-flied into other spaces of success when we forget that expansion also happens on the ground. At the root of the soul. At the base of our desires.

In my descent, I released many old beliefs, relationships, values, and scenarios that I was buying into, and I also came to something way more precious than what the world wants us to run after. I came back to my essence.

What is essential to me?

Ask yourself this question.

It sounds easy, and your mind might pop out three answers in less than a second, but... descend for a moment. Ground yourself into that question: "What is essential to me?"

Paint these words on every wall of your life.

The wall of Love. The wall of Health. The wall of Money. The wall of Fame. The wall of Family

Removing from my life everything that was unnecessary brought a lot of light and softness, but it also brought a big question that I was and still am stuck in: what the fuck am I supposed to do with my life?

I don’t have the answer, and I won’t end this article with a pretty jived-up morale that will put a smile on your face because... I don’t know.

It’s been a year that I've been waiting for the answer; I’ve been working on it, healing it, nurturing it, resting with it, singing with it, loving it, crying about it, and screaming it out loud.

The only thing I didn’t try with that question was to voice it out.

My inability to open up about this identity crisis and being completely lost in my life is mostly based on the fact that we are wired from a very young age to deal with our problems in silence and keep our failures to ourselves.

Not that I consider being lost a failure, but I can say in full honesty that stating openly that you don’t know what’s next or what you want to do isn’t a comfortable feeling. Especially when this feeling is heavy and last for more than a week…

So I’ve been lost. 

And I still am.

I don’t know what I want to do or even what my purpose is at this stage of life.

And…

That’s ok.

That’s ok if the hallway of not-knowing is a little longer than you think. It’s ok to circle back to point zero and ask yourself the same questions you asked yourself at 20 or 28 years old.

We think that the older we get, the better view we have of our lives.

The older we are, the more seated we are on our thrones.

It could be for some people.

It also doesn’t have to be.

Driving back to point zero isn’t a point of shame or failure.

Asking yourself, "What the hell do I want to do in my life?" When you’re thirty, forty, or sixty, doesn’t mean you are a lost cause and a complete stranger to this world.

The changes are hard.

Not knowing is even harder.

But what is even more excruciating is forcing yourself to fit into a box that doesn’t fit anymore.

I thought about all the people I look up to. I started to read their stories, listen to their podcasts, or watch documentaries about them. The common thread between all of them is that they had lived a hundred lives within one lifetime. They created, loved, stopped, started again, and moved away as many times as they needed to feel alive.

They took chances with what they were becoming. In all their versions of themselves.

I’m pretty sure that’s what life is about.

It’s about starting as a rose bud, moving to an oak tree, and circling back to a wild flower.

Constantly shape shifting. Constantly stretching.

Constantly ascending. Constantly descending.

If you’re reading my monologue, if you’re a baker, a singer, a painter, an accountant, or anything really, and one morning you wake up with the feeling that this isn’t it any longer, please follow that lead. Keep on hunting your passions mercifully.

And talk about it.

Let us know what you find along the way. How you dealt with the question marks and how you arrived where you are today. Tell us about the journey. Your tools might not work for me but your strength, your passion, your perseverance and love for life will inspire many.

To anyone who is lost in a sea of questions or wondering "What is my purpose", I feel you.

We got this.