A note on Shame
I was thinking the other day about this feeling, shame. « An unspoken epidemic » that spreads invisibly and way too fast in many hearts.
Last year I read Brené Brown’s latest book (which isn’t my favorite but I must admit you can find some good gems in there) in which she deciphers feelings and explains what they really are.
She says: « Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behaviour. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake. »
I thought about all these moments in my life that I felt shame.
God, they are so many of them. Too many.
I can’t really recall the first I felt shame but I am pretty sure it was early in life.
Maybe when I told everyone I wanted to be Indiana Jones instead of Princess Peach ?
Or maybe when I was 6 and I said I didn’t want to go to Camille’s birthday party to be on my own instead ?
Now that I am further down the road, with a few miles on my spiritual personal development counter, I can say that for most of my 20’s (and even before) I felt shame on a regular basis.
A few years ago (not a very long time if you ask me but it seems like two lifetimes away) I was in Paris during Fashion Week. Fashion Weeks were great moments to discover new talents, sign new deals, charm big clients and socialize (read here: get drunk). After a few intense days rolling around town, having 15 meetings a day, 10 coffees, 5 Perriers with a slice of lemon, 1 headache & way too many missed phone calls, we were about to meet a new talent that we were interested in signing in our agency. A photographer.
The thing with French photographers - especially the Parisian ones - is that they cultivate a certain apathy for life and people in general, water their misery by accepting the lamest job ever and adore complaining about it at the local bistrot with the most expensive wine on the menu.
In a nutshell, French Parisian photographers don’t like people with money but will never decline a fancy dinner with a potential agent (who’s goal is to basically make him more successful and rich. You feel the paradox of the french artist yet?)
(Before I lose hundreds of followers and receive emails, not all of them are like that of course, a beautiful amount are special beings — I’m talking here about the living cliché, which, sorry exists.)
Before arriving at the fancy dinner ready to pitch that photographer, the person I was working with looked at me and naturally told me: « Maybe it would be better if you take off all of your jewels for that appointment don’t you think ? »
Slightly shocked but already very much sleepwalking in my life at that time I asked her why so.
« Well, the thing is… with your young age and the many jewels you’re wearing all the time, you seem… rich. Like… spoiled rich. I have nothing against that but you know how Nicolas feels about rich people and we need to sign him. »
Have you ever pretended to be someone else in order to please the general audience or to make others more comfortable ?
I have.
For a big part of my life.
And this is just a little example of all the moments I erased myself a little bit more in order to « sign the deal ». Little moments when you feel ashamed for being who you are.
A few months ago, I was being interviewed by a journalist and we were talking about motherhood.
I was telling her how I found the journey of breastfeeding complicated. Mostly how I felt - years after being estranged to that feeling - ashamed of quitting breastfeeding. I was talking about this diktat of breastfeeding and how I had after weeks of doing it, decided to stop for my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of my motherhood journey.
I felt ashamed of stopping for a day or two until I reminded myself that:
1) I do the fuck I want with my life
2) A happy mother raises a happy baby
3) Fuck the diktats.
And then I thought about spirituality. Well… I mean… the business of spirituality.
I thought about these wonderful souls that I get to meet digitally or in real life. Sometimes I get these questions that are silently infused with shame: « I have been doing all the new moon and full moon rituals, still I haven’t manifested my dream job. I have been seeing three coaches to help me gain more followers, I am still at the same point. What else can I do? »
— read here: « What is wrong with me? »
My heart breaks a little every time I read such messages.
Nothing is wrong with you my love.
What is wrong is this pop culture and vultures trying to sell you a fast and impossible way to live your life. What is wrong is this culture that promotes quick ascension at the expense of losing your true self. What is sad is that we keep on erasing our desires, nature & dreams in order to fit in.
Drop the rituals if you need to. Throw out the window the moon calendar if it makes you feel lighter. Do what you need to do to be closer to who you are. And if that means wearing a shit ton of golden jewels, be the only one to dance on the dance floor, stop following the moon cycle when the rest of the world is assuring you it’s the best thing to do or telling out loud that you don’t resonate with the popular instagram influencer, then do it.
It’s time we stop feeling ashamed for our feelings.
You are not a mistake and you never will be.
You are not something here on probation.
You are a cosmic creation made of stardust and if some days you forget about these stardusts flowing in your veins, I’ll keep on reminding you how golden you are.
To all the little boys & girls,
To my younger self & to each and everyone of you,
You’re golden.
Don’t be ashamed of your light.
